A few weeks ago I was whistling the tune Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People, and one of the students asked me, “Mrs. Goodwin, Did you know that song is about a boy going on a shooting spree?”

“What? No way!” I raced over to my computer and looked up the lyrics and sure enough he was right.

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks better run better run outrun my gun.
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks better run better run faster than my bullet.

I couldn’t believe I’d been singing that. How is it that mainstream pop radio stations play this song at least ten times day?

Besides being appalled, I also felt like a real chump. Truth was the singer did nothing to disturb my expectation of pop music. The song is happy and upbeat; it’s a catchy tune. I didn’t bother to learn the words. I just whistled along. The reality was the subject matter of the song’s lyrics weren’t important to me. It was all about the feelings projected by the singer’s tone of voice and inflection. Here I thought I was whistling like Snow White (remember the song Whistle While you Work.) What I really was whistling was violent and highly subversive. Which got me thinking…what is the role of music in our children’s lives and should we be worried by what they are listening to?

Back in 2005 I attended a panel called Instruments of Freedom presented by the LBJ School. I liked the panel so much, I got the dvd. The panel consisted of many famous local musicians: Jerry Jeff Walker, Marcia Ball, David Garza, Carolyn Wonderland, Sarah Hickman, Harold McMillan, Tony Scalzo and Kinky Friedman plus several UT professors. They sat around talking about the politics of music. What they said about hip hop still stays with me.

One of the UT professors (a Caucasian) said, “For me, the best music at present in every genre from hard rock to hard core punk is hip hop. Hip hop music doesn’t just legitimate dissenting outrage. It makes it a pleasure.”

Harold McMillan, (an African American musician) piggy backed on the professor’s statement. He said, “This happened a few years ago. I was at a stop light on the drag. And there were some white kids in a jeep next to me. And they were jamming to NWA. (I’m not saying what that stands for—it is highly offensive) These boys from Compton were cursing these white guys out who were listening to them. I’m like do you know what they’re saying to you? And they either didn’t know or didn’t care. Or maybe they wanted to be black kids. I don’t know what the deal was. That was something that always amazed me.”

And Tony Skalzo (a Caucasian and singer of Fastball) responded, “I was literally attracted to the freedom in that music, to the ability to say those things. It’s such a lowest common denominator in a way. There is no other way to put those sentiments. That’s one of my favorite records, Straight out of Compton, and I wasn’t a rap fan at all. I was a young adult, about 24 and it was the first rap that I really went man, this is amazing. It’s not like I wanted to be black, it’s wanting to identify with the realness and that real part of our world and our culture.”

Then Jerry Jeff Walker chuckled and added, “Yeah, and kids have always liked something that makes older people mad.”

And now back to 2012…who the heck is Kid Cudi? I have heard his name on countless occasions. Kids write on his Facebook wall. They quote him. Today I looked up his bio on Wikipedia. Here are some of his hits: Day ‘N’ Night, Mr Rager, Marijuana, Maker Her Say, Soundtrack 2 My Life. Again I felt that sudden moment of shock. This is what 12-year-olds are listening to? I looked at the lyrics to some of these songs and Oh my gosh. I’m not going to repeat them. I’ll let you look for yourself. (At which point you’ll need to open a new tab on your browser and look up urbandictionary.com. You’re going to need it.)

If you have the stomach for it, now watch the music videos. Of course the marijuana song is him walking around smoking marijuana. Interestingly enough in the video Soundtrack 2 My Life, I noticed in most concert footage he is singing to all white teenage audiences. (I think back to the Harold McMillan’s NWA story.) I don’t know what the deal is still. Its very curious.

Are our kids listening to these songs and absorbing these lyrics like toxins? Or are they like me with the Foster the People song, humming along to a cool tune, having no awareness of what the lyrics are actually saying? How worried should we be? Is it worth making effort to examine the lyrics with your child?

Of course it is if you can figure out what they’re listening to and can monitor it. But the music industry is banking on the fact that you can’t keep up. With Iphones, Ipads and downloads, its really hard. Monitoring their music consumption could be a full time job.
If you are fortunate to have the occasion to sit down with them, there are many talking points from which to launch (especially if you also watch the music videos). Hip hop in particular is often devoid of morality. Kids are expressing themselves through every human vice and animal nature. Referring back to Tony Skalzo comment, “It’s a lowest common denominator” phenomenon. Here are some of the questions I might ask:

What attracts you to the music?
What feeling do you get from listening to it?
What do you think the artist is trying to say?
Why is the artist so popular with your generation?

If you don’t have the time to do this, don’t feel guilty. I’m pretty certain if you asked your child to sing you the lyrics of their favorite hip hop songs, they won’t know the lyrics. Or they’ll mess them up. Or they’ll only get a few words right. Or they won’t know what all the words mean. Or they’ll just know the chorus. The panel and my own experience with music have taught me that it’s not as much about the lyrics. If a song has a good rhythm and a catchy tune, we’ll whistle right along.

And again, remember, kids don’t look to musicians for lessons in morality. They look to parents and other trusted adults for lessons in morality. What impresses kids about singers is their ability to say whatever they want to no matter how violent, inappropriate, sexist and racist it is, and there are no teachers or parents there to make them stop. Quite the contrary, some adult has given them a microphone, a captive audience of thousands and millions of dollars to say offensive things. It is quite a remarkable phenomenon if you think about it.

There’s nothing like kids to make you justify every piece of advice you give. Any stated opinion can raise a multitude of objections. As in the case of discussing gossip and rumors, I can say, “Don’t talk about people. Don’t talk bad about people. Don’t repeat everything you hear” but it is often met with the following questions: “What if what I’m saying is true? What if what I’m telling the person is for their own good? What if I’m trying to help them? What if they need to know so-and-so is BAD NEWS?”

Wading through gossip is part of my job description as a middle school counselor- Helping kids make sense of it; helping them know what to do about it; helping them to stop gossiping when they are doing it themselves. One of the books I’ve found particularly helpful in clarifying the many facets of gossip is Words That Hurt, Words That Heal by Joseph Telushkin.

He refers to three types of gossip in ascending order of seriousness:

Positive Gossip or the spreading of non defamatory truths. Many people believe its okay to talk about someone if what is being said is nice (She is so pretty. Her birthday party was awesome.) Telushkin says positive gossip is a slippery slope and its better not to do it. Why? We never know how another receives our message. What if the listener was not invited to the awesome birthday party? Or what if the listener doesn’t like the girl, and the positive gossip only incites further resentment? Furthermore Telushkin says, its part of human nature to not stay positive for too long. How often does, “She’s so pretty. Her birthday party was awesome” quickly take a negative descent? (“Did you notice she didn’t eat her own birthday cake?” “I’ve noticed she doesn’t eat lunch at school very often”. “I’m worried she might be anorexic.”)

Negative truths or the spreading of bad, but true gossip: We often don’t seem to think there is a problem spreading negative information about someone if that information is TRUE. How often have I heard the phrase. “People need to know…or I’ve got to warn….” Telushkin says we should not spread negative truths, because it lowers another person’s status. He does add the qualifier that on occasion sharing negative truth may be appropriate (He uses examples of giving job references, or when the information might have life-death-significance as in a friend seeing a doctor who you know was convicted of malpractice.) With teens the spreading of negative truth is particularly hard, because everything seems to have life-death significance. A trusted friend betrays another. A boyfriend cheats. “My friend needs to know.” Whether or not to pass on a negative truths bears much discussion. Telushkin strongly emphasizes the question, do they need to know in order to do their job (or go to school) or remain safe? He also references the popularly cited three fold filter. “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?”

A subdivision of negative truths is tattling, telling others negative comments people have made about them. How many times have I heard girls say, “Did you know she trash talked you? This is what she said…” Again Telushkin says, unless there is a constructive reason…a need to know situation…there is not need to repeat what someone else said. Again teens think it is of life-death significance, so it is helpful to examine the motivation of why the messenger feels the need to tell. Examine what the benefits are of telling. Is it status? Is it because the messenger wants to look like someone in the know? Is it really to protect someone in danger? Will it help them to know? As with the spreading of negative truths, there are exceptions to the rule, but most often the adage “Don’t repeat everything you hear” applies. We do not want to be guilty of lowering another person’s status or perpetuating the destruction of another person’s good name. One of my favorite quotes Telushkin uses in the book is attributed to Mark Twain.

“It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart; the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.”

Which brings up the third and most serious of all gossip- slander; spreading negative non-truths. “So-and-so said this about you…(when they really didn’t.). So-and-so did this…(when they really didn’t.) It is important to remind kids that in some cultures slander is considered a type of murder. (In fact in our culture we call it character assassination, don’t we?) Since the injuries inflicted by words are intangible, it is easy to minimize the damage they inflict, but we cannot forget that words can be used to inflict devastating and irrevocable suffering on others. Often slander can be very hard to disprove. It can take the truth forever to catch up. Regaining our reputations after slander can be one of the hardest things in life to do.

Most of my examples I’ve given are from the female perspective, probably because I have many more girls than boys in my office complaining about gossip. (Although boys do it too.) Telushkin cites Deborah Tanner’s book You Just Don’t Understand: Women & Men in Conversation. Tanner cites anthropological and sociological research that concludes that teenage girls are more likely to betray friends’ secrets than boys. Why? Boys’ status tends to be based on athletics and how well they physically and verbally prevail in a fight. Girls’ status is linked to their connections. Are they in the “right crowd?” Girls get status by being friends with other high status girls-cheerleaders, pretty girls, girls who are popular with the boys, girls who are “rich”) How do you prove to others that you are friends with the popular girls? You gossip and tell their secrets. In essence you prove yourself by being an unworthy friend.

As your child claws for status in middle school, gossip, spreading rumors, betraying secrets and slander are often the legal tender. It is up to parents and other trusted adults to help them learn otherwise. Therefore we must have our advice on gossip and slander clarified and well articulated. Of course the saying, “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you are saying” applies. I am by no means innocent of all offenses enumerated in the book. Reading it, reminds me of the awesome power of words.

May we all go longer and longer stretches without saying an unkind word about, or to anyone.

Something happened to Alexis Jones between this year and last year. She honed her I Am That Girl message. She strengthened her impact. While last year’s message was more about how Alexis Jones became a celebrity, this year’s message focused on reprogramming girls’ minds to redefine beauty, stop being mean to one another, forgive, love yourself, create a movement and inspire the next generation.

Sure, my description of her message may sound trite; her presentation was anything but. Jones began by identifying one of the main problems girls face as society’s definition of beauty. By using various media clips like the Dove’s Evolution commercial and Beauty Pressure commercial, Jones tries to raise awareness among teens how “programmed” they are by the pervasive media message that girls just don’t measure up. She questions the media’s standard equation that physical beauty equals a girl’s self worth. She proposes media’s definition of beauty is an illusion that girls can never really achieve.

Through a pie chart, she proposes physical beauty be only one slice in the beauty pie, and that qualities like compassion, passion, honesty, boldness, humility, forgiveness, thoughtfulness, spunk, kindness and courage, share equal slicing. To reinforce the message, she gives the girls a secret assignment, involving videos and interviews. While still in the explanation stages, one teen girl sitting next to me scripted her entire project. The girls loved it!

Another problem Jones identifies for teenage girls is the mean girl phenomenon. She asks the question: Why are girls so mean to each other? Her answer and an easy mantra to remember: Hurt people, hurt people. The premise is that when girls grow up under such impossible standards they cannot meet, they feel insecure and don’t like themselves,so they perpetuate their self doubt and self hatred onto others. It becomes a vicious cycle. She tells the girls it’s not your fault. The problem is cultural and systemic. Showing the music video “Are you Happy Now?” by YouTube sensations Megan and Liz, and a documentary film clip from Finding Kind (“We may not all be beautiful. We may not all be smart. We may not all be talented. But we can all be kind.”) Girls are immersed visually in images of girls hurting and being hurt. They witness the vicious cycle.

Whereas last year’s presentation left me a bit critical and analytical, this year’s presentation left me saying, “I can work with this!” Her message is very much in alignment with my own hopes and counseling goals for teenage girls. It is one I can build upon well after her presentation ends. I took detailed notes, copying down much verbatim. I will try to use her language. Why? Because the girls love her.

I found myself asking, could this message be bottled up and delivered by just anyone? My conclusion is an emphatic no. Given the fact that we have an innate human need to want to idealize someone, and given the fact that our media saturated world has programmed our teen girls to have a narrow standard for those they idealize: thin, glamorous, beautiful, young, energetic, vibrant, confident, funny…celebrities… Alexis meets the teenage girl standard like few can. She has the dazzle to hook them and hold their attention. Her other “pie chart” qualities like spunk, personality, courageousness, passion, boldness, honesty unfold more subtly, which require teenage girls to listen, think abstractly and have a certain level of awareness. Many aren’t there yet.

I asked one of the girls afterwards, “Which presentation did you like better? This year or last year?”
“Last year.” She said. “I liked hearing how she got on Survivor and got famous.”
I sighed. Of course she liked last year. And of course I liked this year.

It may take a while for these 11, 12, 13 & 14-year-olds to grasp the meat of Alexis’s current message. They may have to hear it several times throughout the years. My hope is, as they mature, they will begin to appreciate her ideas of redefining beauty and finding kindness for themselves and others and be less impressed by her beauty and celebrity. So despite the fact middle school girls still want to hear the celebrity stories, I say to Alexis Jones, stay the current course. You delivered a great message swiftly and surely with no missteps, and you kept your celebrity and physical beauty standing sturdy in the background.

This summer I have been working on a new project…Parties Austin. My mission is to create magical decorations for children’s birthday parties. I realized when throwing my own son’s party, the lack of resources available, particularly whimsical lighting and original decorations. After running all over town to Pier 1, Hobby Lobby, Toy Joy, Terra Toys and Wal-Mart, I thought- there’s got to be some way to make this easier for parents.

Our son’s birthday theme was jungle/safari. I bought large plush animals, made a butterfly chandelier, bought strands of lights that looked like daisies. Of course I could have just gone to Party City and bought a prepackaged box of decorations, but that’s not me. As a child I loved being immersed and transported by the legends of pirates, gypsies, fairies, mermaids. I wanted to give my son that same immersive experience. I know. He is only one, and he won’t remember, but I believe in implicit memories. And we had a camera.

Now I didn’t have fancy birthday parties growing up. Mine were very plain and ordinary. My method of magical transportation was through books. My mother read to my brother and I every night.

My favorite book of all time was Hilda Boswell’s Treasury of Poetry which she edited and illustrated. Published by Collins, it was printed in Great Britain. The inscription inside says, “Amy Carlisle Goodwin, Christmas, 1973 From: Grandmother.”

Here is one of the standouts-Firelight by Irene and Aubrey Selincourt:

I like to sit by the fire and stare/At the curious things I can see in there;/It’s better than pictures in a picture book/To sit by the fire and look and look. / I can’t see the things that Anne can see/ (Anne, she’s seven, but I’m just three)/ Faces, and rivers and forests, and all-/(Anne’s enormous, but I’m quite small). /But the fire makes a nice sort of creaky song;/ It popples as if it were running along; /It talks quite soft and it means to say /“I know a nice quiet game to play.”/ I don’t want to jump and I don’t want to shout; /Mummy says, “What are you thinking about?” /But I’m not thinking; I just like to sit quite still by the fire and stare at it.

In addition to the wonderful verse, the illustrations in the book are amazing. The flames have faces. Fairies and castles exist among the coals. A little boy sits on a footstool next to his older sister transfixed by the fire. I can’t tell you how many times I sat in front of the fire hoping to see those same faces. I was always searching for the magic promised to me in books.

After writing and producing a few plays, I can’t help think in terms of set design and staging. I’m no Walt Disney, but I am committed to creating an immersive, authentic, aesthetically pleasing birthday setting…much like the illustrations in Treasury of Poetry come to life. Take a trip to the jungle, dive under the sea with mermaids, sail on the high seas with pirates. Live amongst the fairies.

I am doing my best to bring magic into children’s lives right here in Austin, and if I do the job right, maybe they’ll remember it when they’re forty.

Alexis Jones paid a school visit this week to talk to our middle school girls and present her program, I am That Girl. Alexis is a graduate of Westlake High School and the University of Southern California where she received a Bachelor’s in International Studies and Spanish and a Master’s in Communication. She achieved fame and celebrity status as a contestant on Survivor Micronesia.

There is no better way to get into a teenager’s head than with celebrity. This olive-skinned beauty with tons of hair and a bold personality, radiates confidence and competence from the get go. Her message is simple. As a teenager, you might think, if I just have these clothes…if I just lived here…if I just had this boyfriend…if I just had these friends…I would be happy. Through a series of slides and the telling of her personal story, she explains to the girls, that she had it all, and she still wasn’t happy. It took her mother telling her over the phone when she called her up crying, “You know what your problem is? You are a consumer, not a contributor.” So began Alexis’s journey into helping others.

She hatched the idea for her motivational speaking tour aimed at teenage girls in graduate school at USC’s School of Communications. She auditioned for Survivor strategically to have a public platform from which to launch her I Am That Girl Company. Not surprising, this package of beauty, brains and brawn was chosen as a contestant, despite the fact that she applied 2.5 months past the application deadline.

Midpoint during her talk she begins shedding some of the trappings of beauty…her designer shoes, her diamond earrings, her expensive watch. As she transforms herself visually into a plainclothes, makeup-free beautiful version of herself, she explains how Survivor changed her life, how it forced her to appreciate and discover her inner strengths—her compassion, her work ethic, her resilience, her authenticity and integrity.

When Alexis finished speaking, all the girls stood in ovation, and crowded around her like the rock star she is. One can only hope all the twelve, thirteen and fourteen-year-olds took away a message of values- compassion, work ethic, authenticity and resilience. But it’s hard not to be impressed by Alexis’s worldly value. More than a few are girls are probably making audition tapes now…plotting their entrée into Beverly Hills and reality tv. And I know a few of us educators were left thinking…if I just had that hair…if I just had that figure…if I just had that skin…if I just had her youth…as we fought our way through the crowded hallways off to help some wayward youth.

Yes, I am in education. While I’m very concerned with all the talk of cutting budgets in education, I am also concerned that this education talk is overshadowing another huge issue facing our state. What is a happening to our Texas prison system?

Our prisons are already overcrowded, yet the Texas Legislature is proposing a reduction in funding to public safety and criminal justice operations, including the state prison system by 12.7 percent. This is bad news for the general public.

I am not hoity-toity when it comes to criminals. To some extent, I grew up around them. Being the daughter of a small town attorney who practiced all types of law, including criminal, I came into contact with people with a “record” plenty.

One of my earliest memories is standing at the sliding glass door in our kitchen, looking out on our backyard, watching a strange man rake leaves.

“Mom, who is that man outside?”

“One of your dad’s clients. He’s dangerous, so you are NOT going outside.” (Rake leaves for legal fees.)

There was XX XXXX. He worked out on my Godfather’s ranch. My brother and I loved him, because he was a real cowboy. He roped cattle and let us ride horses. One day my dad came home and said, “XX stabbed a man to death last night in a bar. He is going to prison.” My brother and I were devastated. Dad took us to see him at Goree Unit in Huntsville. We were probably 10 and 7 respectively. He was so happy to see us. I remember feeling sorry for him, because he slept in a big room with a lot of other men, and he said they all snored and fought over which television program they’d watch.

XXX XXXXXX held the dubious distinction of longest on death row before execution. No one ever told me what he did to get there, just that he was “on dope” when he committed his crime and every day he regretted what he did. He was a family pen pal. He’d send us chatty letters including what he ate for dinner, and what book he was reading. My mom, dad and brother would visit him in Huntsville, but I always declined. One day he sent me a jewelry box he’d made out of match sticks. He invited my brother and dad to his execution date in 1997, but they didn’t attend.

All this is to say I have known criminals, and I have seen them pay for their crimes.

If the Texas Legislature makes that drastic of a cut, crimes may go unpunished, or in the very least, the punishment may be incommensurate with the crime. Texas will start emptying out the Texas prisons. It’s already happening. I read that one man, serving a life sentence, is eligible for parole after serving only 5 years. How is it possible he is eligible so soon? TDCJ is upping his time for good behavior. His crime was violent, and he’s a repeat offender.

It’s time to start writing legislators. Who represents you?

You are walking down the hallway with a friend. Girls say hello to her but not you. You sit down at the lunch table, and everyone mysteriously gets up. You speak to a close friend and she gives you a blank stare. Have you become invisible? Yes, you have. Without even knowing it, you’ve been stung by the Queen Bee, crossed the threshold into a world of pain and social ostracism, and you are only thirteen.

I hear this tale as a middle school counselor, but not from kids. By middle school, most kids know they have to stay quiet. It will only get worse if they tell. I hear this story from their parents. Parents are desperate, “What do I do? My daughter refuses to go to school.”

I often recommend them read Rosalind Wiseman’s Queen Bees and Wannabees.

She describes the Queenbee as,

“the epitome of teen girl perfection. Through a combination of charisma, force, money, looks, will and social intelligence, this girl reigns supreme over the other girls and weakens their friendships.”

Every school has a Queen Bee… probably several. She is popular. Not because she’s genuinely liked by other girls, but because girls are gracious when she’s nice to them, and terrified when she’s mad at them.

What kind of parent raises such a conniving monster, you ask? Wiseman says, most of the time Queen Bees’ parents “are in total denial about how mean she is and completely back her up.”

What do I do if my daughter has been stung? First go buy and read Rosalind Wiseman’s book Queen Bees and Wannabees, but to summarize her advice:

1. Gently ask your daughter, “You seem upset, do you want to talk about it?” If she does open up, try and be a non-judgmental listener. Don’t march over the Queen Bees’ house and threaten her parents with calling the police. If you do, Queen Bee will make your daughter pay for your sins later.

2. Prepare your daughter to confront the Queen Bee. Have her first write it down. Writing not only gets out the awful feelings, but it documents what happened and what she’s done to address it. Make sure she confronts her privately, so she’s not observed for entertainment. And never allow her to confront electronically. Warn your daughter that the Queen Bee will most likely deny or blow her off, as Wiseman says, “Most mean people when confronted with their behavior will blow you off.” The point is to have your daughter let the Queen Bee know that she is not an easy target.

3. If the Queen Bee continues, have your child talk to a teacher. Hopefully the teacher is discreet, a good listener, and follows through on her promises. She will confront the Queen Bee and tell her to stop on your child’s behalf. A good teacher will say something like, “It has come to my attention that you are (or you have been observed) socially ostracizing Betty. It needs to stop now. If it doesn’t, you will be disciplined and your parents will be involved.” A good teacher never “outs” her source.

4. If the teacher is rendered ineffective, you as a parent go talk to the Queen Bees parents. Again don’t go over to her parents’ house and scream and yell. Remember that her parents don’t know how mean she is and are most likely in denial. Be subtle. Go to the parents in the spirit of problem solving. Clearly define the problem and what you would like to have happen. (ex. “Please have your daughter take down her Facebook page calling my daughter a mega-slut.”)

5. If the parent is unreasonable, you as a parent should go to a school administrator. Keep in mind Texas received a C- on their anti-bullying laws from a national watchdog group, the Bully Police. A school administrators’ hands may be somewhat tied depending on state law, especially if the bullying involves the Internet. In Texas, school administrators are closely watching legislation sponsoring bills to toughen up on the anti-bullying laws. In your meeting with the administrator, make sure you bring the Student Handbook and your school district’s Student Code of Conduct. Know your school’s policies.

And get involved politically, especially since the way current legislation is written, schools do not always have the support they need to effectively protect their student bodies. Write your state legislator to see what you can do to influence better laws.

In Austin, Mark Strama introduced a comprehensive anti-bullying bill in 2009 which didn’t pass, but he intends to reintroduced the bill in 2011. Support Mark Strama.

I’d like to respond to the Wall Street Journal article Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior. I love the article, mostly because it’s so provocative. The last time I looked, 6913 people left comments.

My father was a Chinese mother. He drove. He challenged. He pitted my brother and I against each other. He shamed and ridiculed us when we failed. His forum was sports. As an athlete with his career cut short by a college injury, he was bound and determined for us to succeed. My brother and I started running when we were five and eight respectively. Shortly thereafter we began competing. Our summers were filled with track meets. When we weren’t competing, we were working out in 100 degree weather, running laps and time trials.

In high school I would choke down my breakfast, as he read the times of all my competitors, really rubbing it in if someone out bested me in a track meet that weekend. I’d threaten to quit all the time.

He’d say, “Why would you quit something you’re so good at?”

“Because I hate it.”

“Well, I’m not paying for your college.”

I wouldn’t say much after that. I ran to go to college. I ran to have a future. I ran to get away from him.

In the article, Amy Chua tells her husband regarding their daughters, “I’m happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankee games.”

I have an eight-month old son. I can tell you I’m not willing to be the hated one. I fear it. As a middle school counselor, I project myself into the future and dread his adolescence. I don’t know if I’ll be able to withstand even a whimper of criticism from him. Perhaps this mean he is destined for minimum wage jobs and living off his parents for the rest of his life? I better start saving more money.

Amy Chua faults us Westerners for worrying too much about our children’s self-esteem. We assume frailty in our children. Or actually she says it conversely “the Chinese assume strength not fragility in their children.” She says, “once a child starts to excel at something—whether it’s math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun.”

I will say from my own experience, tying self esteem to performance is risky. After the track meets were over, and I didn’t see myself in the newspapers anymore, I had a real hard time measuring my own progress. In the mundane world of getting up going to work, coming home, going to work, coming home, it was hard to tell if I measured up. I still struggle gauging my success. There is a gaping hole that cannot be filled even with other people’s approval.

In 1989 I was in the best shape of my life. I was an All-American in Cross Country. It looked like I might be headed for the Olympic Trials. Then my dad and I had a major falling out. I came back to college, and I stunk. I never got back to the place I was before fitness wise. My dad and I struggled up until his death. And even after death, I don’t idealize our relationship. When people ask me about it, I usually say, “It was complicated and difficult.”

But I do miss him. I know what he’d say when they fired Mike Leach. Or when Texas won the National Championship. Or when Texas didn’t make a bowl game at all. I imagine he’d have a lot to say about the state of our country and Obama. I know he’d admire the hell out of Amy Chua, the woman who wrote this article.

He’d say love and hate are not inseparable.

Applying to college decades ago, I was in the eviable position of being recruited. Based upon the fact that I won state in the 800M and Cross Country as a freshman, sophmore, junior & senior, I was courted by various college track programs. The courtship began my freshman year. In accordance with NCAA rules and guidelines, I only received phone calls from college track coaches, but by junior year, I was getting media guides and college information packages. Senior year was an exciting time, as I was eligible for college recruiting trips. I was allowed to go on five all-expense paid, 48-hour trips. From my various suitors, I picked University of Virginia, University of Southern California, University of Texas, Alabama and Louisiana State University.

Each trip was structured similarly. I was picked up (usually at the airport) by the coach, introduced to the other women on the track team. Friday night was a social outing-dinner, a movie, ice cream with me and the team. Saturday someone official give me a tour of the campus, and I always talked to the folks in admissions to make sure I had my application in good order. Saturday afternoon we usually attended a school sporting event, like a basketball game. Saturday night was strictly social…a party or a visit to a local bar (in the case of Baton Rouge).

It’s funny what stands out in my memory. In UVA it was so cold in January, I couldn’t feel my feet. (I still remember the shoes I was wearing). At USC we went to party on the “row” and I got to meet Tom Selleck’s step-son. I also saw water polo players for the first time. At Alabama I remember the coach driving me through miles and miles of pines, and the team was rather segregated. At University of Texas the girls had to weigh in on Sunday morning after a big dinner Saturday night. I was told if they weighed too much, they wouldn’t get their uniforms. At LSU my host had too much to drink, so I had to drive us both home in her old Cadillac. And Baton Rouge has a lot of one-way streets.

This morning on the Today show I saw this segment on pre-college costs. As a middle school counselor, college prep is already a consideration. We now have a whole week dedicated to college prep and promotion. Getting into college is so competitive and expensive. Kids are already thinking about it in sixth grade. I should say thank you every day that I didn’t have to go through the traditional college application process. And USC-thank you for my college scholarship. I have not been appreciative enough.

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E. Kristin Anderson and Miranda Kenneally invited me to take part in the Dear Teen Me project. It’s a website for teens where a variety of authors write letters to their teenage selves in hopes of encouraging and inspiring teens of today. It’s a great project, and I’m so excited to be a part of it. Here’s my post. And in short, despite popular opinion, high school was not the best time of my life.